Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Oh life…what an experience. There are so many complexities to deal with when: balancing school, work, church, friends, lovers, brothers, sisters, parents, groceries, sleeping, sickness, wellness, exercise, neighbors, visiting, homework, finances, entertainment, bathing, dreaming…
Good thing I don’t have to deal with most of that. No school. No work. A few friends, one brother, no lover and a church calling is about all I have to handle. Not too much to occupy my day with. Of course there is still sleeping, eating, and bathing…but with no schedule to hold to, even those things become random watery moments within the day…not worth mentioning or remembering. Yeah, good thing life is so easy…nothing to order or remember or worry about doing. Endless summer vacation, it’s every young person’s dream, right?

. . .

I think I’m going insane. Ack. I need a life. I need a job. I want to work. And I need something to occupy my thoughts. My dreams are bothering me more and more. I decided today that these incessant dreams about this certain guy (that I mentioned in my previous blogging) is merely my attempt to make life more complicated, exciting, and uneasy…I need that, I think. Since I messed my knee up two weeks ago, I can no longer run or play sports. I cannot exercise beyond stretching and icing my knee. I’ve found myself with no way to get out the pent up emotion and energy within myself. I am not in school this summer. I am looking for work but since my last job fell through, so has every other opportunity. It’s an interesting place to be right now. I am not sad…a little bored, sometimes frustrated, and often unsatisfied…but I’m not depressed. I went through that. That bummed out period when I was unsure how to proceed and what was worth waking up for each day. Now, I’ve found things to do. I read books. I put puzzles together. I try to do genealogy. I put a lot into my church calling. I have long conversations with people. My life is okay…not as exciting or as complex as I would desire, but it’s a life. Now if only I could rid myself of these obnoxious dreams.

It is not unusual for me to dream about people I know. Yet, dreaming about the same person night after night after night is beginning to freak me out a little bit. Haha, I get mad at him sometimes for bothering me so much. Then I have to remind myself that he has no idea that he spends so many nightly hours with me. We play sports together. We go on trips. We live life and laugh and cry and get angry and makeup. It’s a pretty full complex life…and it’s all a dream. Dreams that have been continuing for almost two weeks straight now. Nuts. Right. Completely strange. Well…I don’t know what it’s all about, but I do know that no matter what happens in my waking life…at night…I have to deal with all the complexities of school, work, church, friends, family, sports, exercise, love and hate, tears and joyful smiles…it’s all there. My life may be dragging along in a lethargic attempt but my mind is as sharp as ever and He is a large part of that.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

So, my last blog brought about some discussion between my roommates and other select friends of mine about my 'flirting' ability. Apparently, I'm just not that great in that department. Another friend of mine told me, recently, that he "had never been around [me] when [I've] been around someone [I] like...therefore, [he had] no idea how [I] flirt." What a blow this statement was. The truth of the matter is that his roommate has been an interest of mine for quite some time. Talk about a reality check. He basically said, 'You have no flirting skills what so ever!' And except in my own subtle ways, he's right.

Well, now the question is...what do I do about this. I've asked around but I tend to get the same old responses from everyone.
"How can I flirt, tell me, teach me...I implore you!"
So far, no one has told me anything that is of use. "Be more flirty," they say...but they never say how. Guys respond, "You're the girl, not me, shouldn't you know how to be flirty...I never know what a girl is doing anyways." And girls say, "Be yourself...wait for the right guy." Nice but not helpful. And a few others give me the usual, "Be more touchy, single him out, smile and make eye contact." Check, check, and please.

Granted I can not do anything that is not in my nature to do...I don't want to be someone I'm not, but I will however do more and step outside my comfort zone if and when someone gives me some actual advice that is noteworthy.
Noteworthy advice...
Any takers?

Monday, July 17, 2006

This is going to make me sound like such a stupid girl…
But honestly, it’s really bothering me.
I keep dreaming about this guy. I really would rather not dream about him. Sometimes he’s kind to me in the dreams; once he kissed me. I woke up feeling so great. Then once he kissed another girl (a good friend of mine) right in front of me. Sometimes he blows me off in the dreams. Then I wake up feeling disturbed or sad. I do not like this. I don’t know why this particular guy is popping up in my dreams nearly every night or why it should affect my emotions so much one way or the other. I seem to have no control. I don’t like being out of control. I can’t figure out how to stop dreaming about him. If I think about him during the day, I dream about him. If I don’t think about him during the day, I still dream about him. I think the worst is waking up with the depressing feeling of rejection when nothing has really happened. It was just a dream! Why do I feel sick to my stomach about it?! Of course, the disturbing dreams are worse, but I do not long for the good ones either. It goes back to being out of control. Just as I don’t like waking up feeling gloomy…I don’t particularly like the fact that I wake up feeling elated as well because I know it doesn’t really mean anything. Why am I happy? It was just a dream. And then I get upset with myself for having yet another dream about this man. Why is my mind torturing me with such nightly visions of him? Why does he trigger such emotion, good or bad, that seems to stick with me through out my day? I can’t seem to shake this thing. How frustrating!