Where to start?
It's always hard to get back into this thing when I've been away. I can think of a zillion things to write about and no place to start. Before, I've tried the chronological approach, but at the moment, I'm leaning more towards just listing what's on my mind and worry about everything else later.
So? What have I been thinking about lately...? Well, mostly I've been preoccupied with three trains of thought. One, my husband's health; two, babies-pregnancy-children-family-things in that scope; and three, longing for a best friend. These may sound unrelated but in fact they all run and mesh into one another that it's difficult sometimes to decipher what is truly bothering me or where I should be focusing my attention...not that any of them are really in my ability to control. And that may be the real reason I feel out of sorts lately. I really do prefer to feel in control of at least myself if not life around me.
I'll give you an example of some of the things running through my head lately. My husband has to decide to either undergo a surgery to remove his colon or agree to IV infusions of a new medicine and he is supposed to make this decision by tomorrow and call his doctor. We spent all last week discussing the possibilities and probabilities of different outcomes. My brain feels like it's been racked and wrecked and I am so tired of running scenarios over and over again in my head. And much to my dismay I find that I am more terrified of the small chance that we can not have children than I am of my husband's health. This fills me with guilt. I've told this to my husband and to his credit he understands. He feels sort of along the same lines as myself about what should be done though for different reasons. All I can hear is the doctor's voice saying over and over again...
"In your husband's condition it would be difficult at best to sire children, with IV infusions he may heal enough and his UC could go into remission and then he would be healthy and able to have a family...the next few years would be your best bet and for families that still want to have children this is what we advise, but it is not without risk...surgery would be the ultimate cure, there would no longer be any chance of cancer, his quality life would be much improved...yet you should know that there is a small...very small...but still a chance that surgery could affect his ability to have children."
My husband and I have pretty much decided to go with the IV infusions. He, because of the thought of having part of his body removed is still unthinkable and would rather try any other method than undergo the surgery...while I can only guiltily think of the children we may not be able to have. I should be thinking of what is best for my husband. I feel so selfish. That's not to say that I don't worry and don't think often about what might could happen. I don't want my husband to be sick anymore. I feel that I would do anything within my own power to heal him if I could. If I could take his pain away, I would. Yet, when the doctor says here is a cure - the surgery is a cure...I find myself reluctant.
The other problem lies in the fact that my health has not been great. The doctors have told me many times that to attempt to get pregnant right now would be unwise. Yet with my husband's doctor saying that he may have limited time...even if it's just a small chance...it still makes my heart tremble. Medically speaking with respect to having children...I shouldn't right now but he should right now. What can be done then?
I have reminded my husband that I am doing loads better than I was a couple of months ago. I feel better every week. The medication has taken a lot of the joint and muscle pain away. But unfortunately not all the pain is gone and the medication has seemed to have plateaued. The dizziness is still there and the headaches as bad as ever. My husband will not even begin to entertain the idea of having children while I am still hurting. He has promised to discuss it again after my meetings with my Rhuematolgist (to discuss my medication) and my Neurologist (to discuss my recent MRIs) at the end of June. I understand his reluctance to do anything that could put me in more pain. It is hard for him. But in my mind I honestly feel that I would undergo much more pain if it meant I could have a child. But that's again not fair to him. He is the one that has to worry and take care of me when I am sick and that puts a lot of extra pressure on him when he is already working a full time job and sick himself. Again, I feel selfish.
This is where the part about having a best friend comes in. And by that I mean someone other than my husband...a female friend, that I can go to talk to any time of day. That's not too busy or would not think it strange if I showed up on her doorstep. I miss my friends from Utah. A couple of them more than anyone else. I miss having that person that knows you so well that they would not think it strange if you showed up at their door and sat on their couch and didn't say much more than two words while you were there. You just hang out together and there is no uncomfortableness with silence nor would there be any if you suddenly burst into tears and talked for an hour straight about the issues and concerns running through your head. I miss having that. I miss having that closeness with a friend.
That's not to say that I haven't met some truly wonderful people hear in Texas. But all of them are married and most have children as well. There are few without babies but they work during the day just like their husbands. I am to the stranger who lives the life of a homemaker without a single child to tend to. Those that have children and have decided to be stay at home moms have their own circle of friends. It's not intentional to exclude. This I'm sure of ...so there is no offense taken on my part by that. It's just different. I don't have children so I won't be invited to play dates with the kids. I don't have a baby so I won't be called on to babysit, or trade old baby clothes or toys. I can not relate so I will not be called when their is a problem or concern that they need another mother's advice on. I'm pretty much out of the loop on most things. These wonderful women have busy lives with husbands and babies and friends and family and projects. It's just not possible for me to call them up just anytime. So, what it boils down to is that most times I am pleasantly content with my life but there are moments when I feel burdened by all that is running through my head and then I desperately long for a best friend.
This past week has been one of those times. But with the lack of a best friend at the moment I find myself venting to the blogoshpere. Which I know is not private and anyone may read. So I would like to add that this is more for cathartic means than to cry for attention. I don't expect or particularly wish for anyone to suddenly show up on my doorstep with a shoulder to cry on. I just needed to get some of this out of my head so that I can rest.
I would also like to add that
HEALTH PROBLEMS SUCK!
and I really want a baby But would settle for a friend to tell that to.
There! now I feel better. Take that blog-world.
