Life Decisions
I know most people would expect an update and pictures of Nathaniel or possibly some new pictures of cakes here on my blog, but I'm not writing about either of these. Well, I guess this is about cakes but I'm not going to upload a bunch of pictures of my new stuff. (Though I intend to get around to that some day.)
Today I need to talk about motherhood, life decisions, and giving things up. I got a couple of interesting emails today. I was contacted by someone who is opening up a bakery in San Antonio. They had come across my website while looking for Austin Bakers. They also found my resume on LinkedIn. They liked what they saw and wanted to know if I was at all interested in a job as they were looking for professional head bakers for the bakery they were opening up in San Antonio.
There was probably a whole five minutes that I sat there contemplating the offer. I saw myself working at a bakery making cakes all day long. I saw myself creating masterpieces, receiving praise for my delicious work, and getting paid on top of it all. My dream job. I nearly started hyperventilating with the excitement that I felt!
And then I came back to reality.
I looked down at my son who was wiggling in my lap. He's only 6 months old and has turned into Velcro baby these last few days. I haven't showered in two days. He cries if he can't be with me 24/7 and even needs to be sitting against me or he'll keep one hand on my leg while he's playing with his toys. He didn't used to be this way. Now, he's permanently stuck. I don't know if this is just what 6 month olds are like or if he's going through something. Maybe he's not feeling well. He's been sleeping a lot lately too. But only in my arms. Anyhow, the point is it hit me suddenly. I can't do this. I can't get a job as a head baker in a shop and become a famous decorator...at least not right now. And it's not just Nathaniel, Monte loves his job here in Austin. He's good at and enjoys it. I'm proud of him. And a good job, good pay, good health insurance.....you can't really pass that up (especially in this economy) to go chasing after dreams.
A few years ago, before I was married, before I had a child, before I had a house mortgage, it would have been easy. I would have moved to San Antonio. I would have taken the job. I would have taken the chance that it might not turnout great, that the business might fail, that it might be mediocre. But I would have tried. Now, I just can't do that. I've made a decision about my life. And in all truthfulness I do love my home, I love my life here in Austin, I love my husband's company, and most of all I love my family. But this is the first time that my dreams of home and family have been in conflict with my dreams of career and ...well... my own interest and selfish pursuits.
I was extremely flattered by the job offer. It made me feel good. Yet I felt sad too and fought back tears as I typed my reply. I turned down the offer. And then I held my son till he fell asleep again.
As mothers, or fathers, have you faced this moment yet? How did you deal with it?
3 comments:
You made the best decision! You will never regret the precious moments with your baby. This is my year to be empty nest as my baby will graduate from High School and leave on his mission in the fall....the time with your little one goes super fast. There will always be job opportunities...enjoy your snuggle time for now:)
Oh yes, yes, yes, yes. I can relate. Deciding to go back to work after having Nathan was something I never expected to do. And later deciding to resign and stay at home was one of the most difficult decisions I have made. I had no idea it would be so hard. I have a long blog post about it somewhere (not surprising). I'll find it and give you a link. Congrats on the flattering job offer and congrats on the job you decided to take instead :) I've been thinking about you and wondering how you are doing. It's been too long!
It sounds like you followed your heart Cassandra and made a great choice.
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