...AN UNBEARABLE MOMENT...

I know I said I was not going to write in here for awhile and I completely intend on keeping that promise this upcoming week as I have much to do, but I just had to tell you one quick little story.

Last night my brother and my roommate, Leila, made a snowman. Not just any snowman, this one was quite creative and down right adorable. They both put so much time into this endeavor. I helped them make the face. It was a bear with a little bear nose and mouth and dark little eyes. He had ears. He had a scarf and sticks for arms. He had gloves that were packed with snow so they looked like hands. He even had a 66 printed across his chest with sticks so that our ward (the 66th ward) would be welcomed by him as they walked to church, 8Am early. It was meant to bring others joy. And they spent so much time on him that my heart aches to think what end this poor snow bear met last night.

Sometime between 1Am and 4Am last night some punk ran this poor snow bear over with his car. The idiot had to drive his car off the road over the grass and up onto the sidewalk to plow into our little 4 foot high buddle of cold delight. Why do people do such things?! WHY?!! I ask you, why. I know he was just a little snow creature doomed to melt in the sun's rays as the days passed on...but it was still cruel to end his existence in such a way. What had he done but cheerfully smiled and greeted this monster that plowed him over one lonely night. His head was found in the middle of the street along with one frozen hand. The scarf was lodge under the weight of his broken little bear body. The other hand is still missing...torn from its owner in a heinous act of stupidity. What was the fiend thinking? (I hope he broke a light or bent his fender. Hmm...)

If you have the time,
May we have a small but ever so thoughtful moment of silence in remembrance of our dear little frosty friend...
whose carcass now litters the street near my home.

I decided that I'm not allowed to write anything on here for awhile because any free time that I have has to be spent on homework and projects...at least till I'm caught up again with my classes. So, I just thought I'd tell you all the sad news.

That and I had my breakdown this morning. It was bound to happen. I just snapped thinking about the things that I have to do. When it happened I thought of Caroline for some reason. I thought she could relate or understand. (I don't know what that is supposed to mean or say about you Caroline, but I did think of you.)

Well...I'm signing off for awhile till I feel more stable...physically, emotionally, and scholastically.
"Whenever you feel bad...look at ugly and feel better." (tee-hee, remember this Caroline...still tickles me)

"We were friends after we kicked some guy named Jack out for bad language. Bex didn't like him writting that stuff cause her six year old was with her so MaryKate and I kicked him out. Then we talked about stuff...while we played...and I still won. And everyone said...how do you do that. Talk and play and win. And I said I don't know. And then Juanna said I must be cheating so MaryKate smacked her with a wet telephone book. I said thanks. And she said, oh it was nothing...sure you would have down the same. Then MaryKate had to go and she asked if I'd be on later. I told her I didn't know. We said our goodbyes. Then I played some more. Later during one game Juana was ahead by like 30 points and then I did well and beat her on the last round...and I felt bad and I apologized and she said it was alright even though I was a cheater...and then two more people smacked her. It was funny. I had friends. "

~This brought to you by a 4 AM game of iSketch (try it out...link under "Pictionary Anyone!?!")

In response to Caroline's blog "Silly Girly things" I thought I would post my current favorite engagement ring as well. What can I say...I'm just as silly as all the rest. (Plus it's rather hard to not think about with my roommate planning her upcoming wedding in June...Yay! for her!)Anyhow, I tried this ring on at Morgan's Jewelers here at the mall with my friend Shiloh a couple weeks back. I have always been a fan of the anniversary bands over the traditional engagement ring setting, though a simple small solitare is always going to be a classic for me. I looked up the price and it's only $1,300 for the half carrot (which is what I tried on) but they have a smaller version, the quarter carrot for $600 [pictured above]. It looks the same as the other. The diamonds were all picked to match each other and they are set down into the ring but still pronged not banded. I find it rather pretty.

Alright...in response to Travis, no I did not die from my illness, though I will admit I felt sometimes in this past week like that was a possibility. I have never been so sick in my life...and I never ever want to be again. To feel so completely helpless and to be so completely powerless, vulnerable, and utterly dependent on others is a terrifying but extremely humbling experience. In fact, I have a somewhat new out look on things. I hope it last. It might not. I feel this strange desire to tell everyone I know what they mean to me…to defy all norms of socially correct discourse and feelings of fear or embarrassment that things I say may be misunderstood. I just want to tell everyone how great they are, how terrific, and how much I love them. I realized when I was sick that the most important thing to me was the physical touch of another human being. This surprises me for I have never been a very touchy person, but I found that the touch of another living being was at times the only thing that reassured me that I was still alive and had not drifted off into the lonely recesses of my mind.

The quick run down of my week is as follows—first I was sick with a virus that caused bronchitis and sickness in my sinuses with coughing and a sore throat—two days later I had developed a secondary bacterial ear infection, the pain nearly unbearable—this quickly and consequently tired my poor body out even further—all the medicine I was on cause dizziness and nausea—I got weaker and was unable to eat and by Wednesday night I so sick that I could not walk/crawl without assistance, no bathroom, no food, nothing without help—I was fed, clothed, carried, and cared for by my friends and roommates—by Thursday afternoon my brother decided to take me to the ER, he and my friend carried me from the couch to the car and drove me to the hospital where I consequentially received 2 liters of IV fluid and had a couple of blood tests and chest x-rays taken—most all of this is very fuzzy to me and sometimes I’m not sure who was there and who was not and what I said and what I did not—after the IV my brain woke up and my eyes opened and I was acutely aware of pain again, but I felt such a high—it’s amazing what a little fluid can do for a dry brain—I came home and have spent the last couple days resting and trying to eat and drink as often as I can—I got up today and dressed in clothes other than pj pants and oversized t-shirts—I will return to class on Wednesday and begin taking midterms and life will carry on, busier than usual, but as if nothing had ever happened…except for the memory I have of truly Christ-like caring friends. That, I do not want to loose.

One last thought on the importance of friends and human interaction and physical tenderness…

I thought of the scripture that says that ‘man is not meant to be alone’ and having always thought of that as a “marriage” scripture I now see it in a new light. We as human beings need each other…not only for marriage and children but in every aspect of interaction in life. We can not accomplish all that is potentially and eternally within us without others. A hug, a smile, a caring word, thought, or deed is not a mere simple form of kindness but the underlying way to life and love and living a productive and progressive life. A great friend of mine said that, “This life is a life of people and things integrated into situations…these ‘things’ are vital, but only for the end of people.”

I want to shout from the rooftops my love for mankind! And I want to feel always this need for others…not a dependent helpless need but a connection, affection, adoration for all the children of God.

Well…that’s all I have to say.
Happy Valentine's day my friends.

To all who it may concern,

After another restless night I broke down and went to the doctor. Apparently I am actually sick. It's not just all in my head. (Haha...some of it is in my chest.) I have some sort of viral brochitis. Now, I'm not supposed to go out in public because I super contagious. I was told to stay home from classes for the next week. I told the doctor I couldn't miss anymore class...haha...so here's the kicker. He gave me a mask to wear. Said that if I went into public I should wear it. Now I'm in a delima. Do I go to class wearing a surgical protective mask so that I can get all my work done and not fall behind...show those teachers that I'm really dedicated! Or should I just stay home and sleep as my body so desperately wants me to do. That blue paper mask with the elastic strings that fit over your ears is deffinately not helping my desire to go to class. My roommate has affectionally began referring to me as SARS instead of by my name. She finds the mask quite entertaining. I told her I'd get her one too...seeing as how she is probably the culprit who got me sick to begin with. But alas we shall all be one sicky apartment together.

Friends, Romans, door to door salesmen BEWARE we are teaming with viral goodies just waiting to meet you. For now it is nap time (again)...oh what fun. I shall catch up with you in a weeks time when my little blue paper mask is no longer my closest friend. Hope you all are well.
Affectionally your friend,
~Sars

DREAM Open To INTERPRETATION

I had a very strange dream the other night. I do enjoy a good dream. This one made my heart beat rather fast and left me feeling flustered when I awoke. I thought to myself…wouldn’t it be fun to have my dream interpreted by others. So, you may send me your wildest interpretation via email or by the comment link below as to what you think this dream could mean. The crazier the better, I say.
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My Dream:

I found myself in a large house that was owned by one of my closest friends. He was having some sort of get together. Now my friend (as he will remain nameless for privacy reasons…and umm, cause I don’t wan to tell him that I had a bothersome dream about him…haha) had invited lots of people over to his house. I believe it was his parent’s house as I would find out later. In the dream all of the company was made up of females…loud boisterous and giggly females (but of course this did not seem the least bit odd at the time). Quite annoying, though. While I was at my friend’s house I found myself quite disgusted with his behavior. He was being extremely flirty with all of the girls. Once he flopped down on the couch just to be followed by a hoard of girls crowding all around him. Another time he tossed a couple snowballs and then fell into a pile of snow to then be covered with giggly girls falling on top of him, laughing, touching, vying for his attention.

(Now, in reality, you must understand, that this good friend of mine is nothing like the Don Juan I saw in my dream. I rarely have ever seen him even touch a girl much less play one female against another in a sick mad ego-fest.)

At this moment in the dream I started to get terribly sick. I was shaking with chills and running to the bathroom every five seconds with nausea. At one point the lights went out because of the thunderstorm outside and found myself crawling, because I lack the strength to stand, from the bathroom down the hall to find my friend. I found him eventually and he gave me the same uncaring glance that he had been bestowing upon me all evening. I realized at that moment that our friendship no longer mattered to him.

(In real life, I feel that if I ever needed my friend he would be right there by my side to help. He is just that kind of gentleman and has always shown himself that sort of friend. In this dream was his face but deffinately not his character.)

In my dream he would not lift a finger to help me. He no longer cared. I crawled up the stairs to the third floor of the house. I found his grandmother sitting in a chair in a kitchen. She smiled at me. I walked over and she sort of laughed and patted my hand in a comforting and reassuring way. I thought to myself, she must be senile, he does not care about me. Why does she smile at me like that…like everything will be okay. I then found his sisters room and fell asleep for awhile.

When I awoke I looked around for my purse with my keys inside so that I could go home. I could not find my purse anywhere. All the girls were gone and so was my friend. His family had come home and were arguing in the kitchen. I told them I had lost my keys and his sister helped me look for my purse. I knew that if I could not find my purse that I would never be able to go home and that worried me greatly. I did not want to be there when I my friend came back. He had hurt me so much. His family told me I could stay but I just had to find my keys. His grandmother’s voice echoed in my head. “Everything will be okay, don’t worry.” I wondered how I could hear her say that, she had never opened her mouth during our earlier encounter. At that point in the dream, though, I knew it was because she had been dead for quite some time. I did not tell the family that I had seen their dead grandmother…I just kept searching for my purse and my keys so that I could go home.
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I was still searching when I woke up. My heart was beating rapidly and I had mixed emotions. I felt somewhat happy that my friend’s grandmother had come to tell me everything would be okay yet I felt so sad that my friend had thrown away our relationship. Now, of course, my friend and I are still great friends or at least I think so…it has been a couple weeks since we have really spoken to each other. But anyhow, that is the dream I had on Friday evening. I have been a little under the weather so it’s possible it was just a feverish attempt to deal with my sore sick body during sleep but I thought it would be much more fun if you all came up with some crazy meaning behind all of this that will give me some insight into the recesses of my life. Haha. :) Well, it’s just a thought.

So, tonight I had the most unexpected phone call from a long time friend of mine that I have not really spoken with in quite awhile. I worry the conversation was not all that interesting for him, but it did not matter to me that there were no exciting new stories or thrilling adventures to talk about. There was just life. And that was enough...it was just so wonderful to speak with him.


I realized while talking with him, though, that I had not told him about being accepted to the BFA program. I have told so many people that it is hard to remember who has heard the news and who has not so to avoid sounding redundant in conversation or secretive by not sharing, I am announcing to everyone right now...I was accepted the Bachelors of Fine Arts program here at Brigham Young University!!! And to top it all off each and everyone of you reading this can plan for my gallery art show to take place between Feb. and April of next year (2007). Everyone is invited. I will send out an announcement come that time. In the meanwhile I will be working hard to produce the extrodinary artwork that will fill the gallery. I am so excited!

Okay...this is not a serious blog...not that many are...but I just wanted to say that two more of my friends added blogs to my site tonight and I love that bloggers are taking over the world! Haha. Yeah, it's great. What a fad. We'll see how long this last. It's like the IM thing. For awhile everyone talked on IM...even if you shared a dorm room with someone. Now I will conversate with my friends and then come home and read their blogs. I'm so silly. But I'm enjoying every minute of it. So, anyhow, to make this short...any of you that wish to join the ranks of blog-o-mania please do and sign up on www.blogger.com. It's very very easy. And you'll just love the power you have to change lives and perceptions by your important and ever read word.....hmm...or maybe it will just be a good waste of time. Either way you'll enjoy yourself. :) Have fun!